It's been a long time coming..
Poor ol' blog.
Unfortunately life events have taken over in my list of priorities rather than making entries here.
I am allowing myself this, despite my original plan to make an entry a day and have various regular features (the Monday cheer up tune, the Friday links.. both will be back next week) On top of that I haven't had a chance to incorporate my other planned elements (obscure buildings of london, more of my dad's favourite slang and maybe even a portfolio of my work eventually?!)
Not only has life taken over taken the blog in list of priorities so has work and boy do I have a lot of work to do. Good, exciting work mind. not the normal brain melting drivel I normally sit up to all hours churning out.
Good stuff. That will be fun to do. And I might even learn something!
Fancy that!?
All that has had to be put on hold for the short term, because it is the marriage season and I have another stag weekend to go on next weekend as well as last weekend events.
Last weekend I got married.
Again.
For the third (or forth time... Not sure really how many now. There have been four “events”, but only three ceremonies?
And all to the same woman!
Whacky huh?
Well, welcome to my life.
I'll tell you a story, if you can stay awake that is. it’s a big one mind so it might go on a while so get comfy, or pull up a chair. Maybe put a brew on...
You see, almost 13 years ago I met a girl, a pretty young thing so she was. And of course she fell in love with me at first sight. After playing hard to get for a year or so she agreed to go out with me. It was never meant to be anything more than a bit of fun. I said that to my mum right at the start, I can remember it clearly... My mum had just told me she was worried what the relationship would do to us both. You see this girl I was seeing happened to be an Indian. And a muslim one at that. I never really paid much thought to that side of the relationship. It didn't matter anyhow.
My girlfriend was juggling a secret life from her parent's because they wouldn't allow any kind of relationship or interaction with boys, let alone a white non-muslim one.
My Mum, bless her, knew a thing or two about problems with her parents, couldn't have been more supportive. She saw the tears that were coming and the heartbreak that my wife would go through because she suffered a similar thing herself.
But still my answer was we knew what we were doing, it was nothing serious, just a bit of fun.
And so the relationship went on, month after month, year after year.
As things developed I fell deeper in love than I could ever imagine possible. But all the time there was this burden she had to carry, this secret from her parents. She was in the terrible position that she had to choose the life her parents wanted for her, one based on tradition, religion and their values against the one she had grown up with, a way of life she wanted. It didn't fit, the two Worlds were mutually exclusive and no matter what way you try to align them, they wouldn’t go.
She would either have to tell them about me and they would disown her or we would have to carry on forever in secret. I couldn't force the issue, who was I to make demands? She was taking all the risks. She had it all to lose and she carried the burden. I was just along for the ride, happy to steal as much time with her as I could.
It was that black and white, no middle ground. No happy ending. No love conquering all t when her folks see how much I love her and what a great guy I am. That's pure movie stuff and it never happens.
The world doesn't work like that. We have prejudices and ideals and traditions. People are frightened of what they don't know or what they think they know. They want their kids safe, healthy and happy.
So instead we had a balancing act of lies and half truths, or trauma and tears. She managed and, god knows how, even kept sane through this double life.
So it went on.
And I loved her more and more.
Of course it's not always been plain sailing. Not the slightest. We broke up for 6 months because it didn't fit. Things didn't seem to work, they couldn't be aligned and there seemed to be no more answers. But still we would be drawn back together, stronger than ever. (Caroline, if you are reading this, thank you so much for the simplest of advice at the worst of times. I really wouldn't have been able to come to terms with this without your soggy shoulder to cry on!)
After such a traumatic break up we were more committed to each other and more intent on finding a way to make it work.
We needed to find a way to have it all or at least share this burden.
Through a mutual friend (Nat thank you so much, we can't even begin to tell you what your small actions set in place!) we met a couple that became our guardian angels! Humphrey and Asfah were complete strangers who invited us in to their home and shared their life story with us. It was like looking in a mirror (apart of course Humphrey is a darn sight better looking... and a bit older though, so I guess it all balances out!) As a couple they had been through the same thing. I won't go into details as it's not my story to tell (I'll save it for another blog!) but they got to a point in their life together where they had run out of options. They needed to make it all work. It had to.
So Humph converted to being a Muslim.
Now H is as much as a believer as I am. We had both been to catholic school and that's enough to beat any faith out of the strongest believers! We had discussed the conversion idea in the past and we thought it would be a lie to replace another lie we thought and disregarded it as not working. Plus I was far too stubborn and I have no faith. I am a strong non-believer in organised religion. It's one of my pet hates. I couldn't pretend to be something I disliked so much. I couldn't pretend to embrace something that has caused me so much pain over the years.
Humph felt pretty much the same.
But it was the only option.
The only way to make it work, the only way for their kids to have two sets of grandparents, two families, two cultures and for Asfah a release from her burden.
It's pretty simple really.
It's just a shame that so many of our friends didn't see it that way too. I still have some deep-seated resentment towards some really close friends who never got it. Never quite understood why there was no answer. Why my wife couldn't just tell them the truth. Why they wouldn't accept me. Why I had to convert, to lie, to pretend just so her family could consider me as suitable.
Some friends did get it, Mike and Emete went through something similar too. They found a way, different from ours but not without it's pain or heartache.
But a lot of people didn't.
I never used to mind explaining to strangers about the situation, like why I had not met my in-laws after being involved for ten years. Most people were amazed and it was a new thing to them. What I minded was friends who would either ask the same questions with a shake of the head or bite their lip when I would offer up the same point.
It's not a perfect world.
It's not Hollywood.
But sometimes you get the happy ending.
Through compromising on my beliefs I allowed them an opportunity to compromise on their beliefs.
By converting I gave them a chance to accept me.
Last Saturday we had our Nikah, which is a Muslim wedding blessing, and right now I'm not sure if the relief I feel is from the wedding being over or that for the first time in twelve years we can actually start our life together properly.
I said to my wife last night that it feels like now I can really love her.
I am allowed to do that now and have no fear of losing her. Although I never feared I would I think I was scared of her having to make a choice. That was the last thing I ever wanted her to do. I don't think I could of done it if I had to.
Could you do it? Give up parent's you love for your partner?
What choice is that?
I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone.
So instead here we are.
Nearly 12 years down the line, it's all out in the open. All legal. Everyone's happy.
Especially my wife... although she flitters between being happy and freaked out right now! I'm sure it will settle down to just happy soon!
And she didn't have to choose.
Which is more important to me than anything else.
What do you know sometimes you do get the Hollywood ending.... Maybe it would make a good movie, eh?
As long as there is no sequel.
Ideas on a postcard for cast lists...
Ps. Shit. It doesn't explain the four weddings did I? Or what went on at the weekend either. Oh well, maybe tomorrow...x
Unfortunately life events have taken over in my list of priorities rather than making entries here.
I am allowing myself this, despite my original plan to make an entry a day and have various regular features (the Monday cheer up tune, the Friday links.. both will be back next week) On top of that I haven't had a chance to incorporate my other planned elements (obscure buildings of london, more of my dad's favourite slang and maybe even a portfolio of my work eventually?!)
Not only has life taken over taken the blog in list of priorities so has work and boy do I have a lot of work to do. Good, exciting work mind. not the normal brain melting drivel I normally sit up to all hours churning out.
Good stuff. That will be fun to do. And I might even learn something!
Fancy that!?
All that has had to be put on hold for the short term, because it is the marriage season and I have another stag weekend to go on next weekend as well as last weekend events.
Last weekend I got married.
Again.
For the third (or forth time... Not sure really how many now. There have been four “events”, but only three ceremonies?
And all to the same woman!
Whacky huh?
Well, welcome to my life.
I'll tell you a story, if you can stay awake that is. it’s a big one mind so it might go on a while so get comfy, or pull up a chair. Maybe put a brew on...
You see, almost 13 years ago I met a girl, a pretty young thing so she was. And of course she fell in love with me at first sight. After playing hard to get for a year or so she agreed to go out with me. It was never meant to be anything more than a bit of fun. I said that to my mum right at the start, I can remember it clearly... My mum had just told me she was worried what the relationship would do to us both. You see this girl I was seeing happened to be an Indian. And a muslim one at that. I never really paid much thought to that side of the relationship. It didn't matter anyhow.
My girlfriend was juggling a secret life from her parent's because they wouldn't allow any kind of relationship or interaction with boys, let alone a white non-muslim one.
My Mum, bless her, knew a thing or two about problems with her parents, couldn't have been more supportive. She saw the tears that were coming and the heartbreak that my wife would go through because she suffered a similar thing herself.
But still my answer was we knew what we were doing, it was nothing serious, just a bit of fun.
And so the relationship went on, month after month, year after year.
As things developed I fell deeper in love than I could ever imagine possible. But all the time there was this burden she had to carry, this secret from her parents. She was in the terrible position that she had to choose the life her parents wanted for her, one based on tradition, religion and their values against the one she had grown up with, a way of life she wanted. It didn't fit, the two Worlds were mutually exclusive and no matter what way you try to align them, they wouldn’t go.
She would either have to tell them about me and they would disown her or we would have to carry on forever in secret. I couldn't force the issue, who was I to make demands? She was taking all the risks. She had it all to lose and she carried the burden. I was just along for the ride, happy to steal as much time with her as I could.
It was that black and white, no middle ground. No happy ending. No love conquering all t when her folks see how much I love her and what a great guy I am. That's pure movie stuff and it never happens.
The world doesn't work like that. We have prejudices and ideals and traditions. People are frightened of what they don't know or what they think they know. They want their kids safe, healthy and happy.
So instead we had a balancing act of lies and half truths, or trauma and tears. She managed and, god knows how, even kept sane through this double life.
So it went on.
And I loved her more and more.
Of course it's not always been plain sailing. Not the slightest. We broke up for 6 months because it didn't fit. Things didn't seem to work, they couldn't be aligned and there seemed to be no more answers. But still we would be drawn back together, stronger than ever. (Caroline, if you are reading this, thank you so much for the simplest of advice at the worst of times. I really wouldn't have been able to come to terms with this without your soggy shoulder to cry on!)
After such a traumatic break up we were more committed to each other and more intent on finding a way to make it work.
We needed to find a way to have it all or at least share this burden.
Through a mutual friend (Nat thank you so much, we can't even begin to tell you what your small actions set in place!) we met a couple that became our guardian angels! Humphrey and Asfah were complete strangers who invited us in to their home and shared their life story with us. It was like looking in a mirror (apart of course Humphrey is a darn sight better looking... and a bit older though, so I guess it all balances out!) As a couple they had been through the same thing. I won't go into details as it's not my story to tell (I'll save it for another blog!) but they got to a point in their life together where they had run out of options. They needed to make it all work. It had to.
So Humph converted to being a Muslim.
Now H is as much as a believer as I am. We had both been to catholic school and that's enough to beat any faith out of the strongest believers! We had discussed the conversion idea in the past and we thought it would be a lie to replace another lie we thought and disregarded it as not working. Plus I was far too stubborn and I have no faith. I am a strong non-believer in organised religion. It's one of my pet hates. I couldn't pretend to be something I disliked so much. I couldn't pretend to embrace something that has caused me so much pain over the years.
Humph felt pretty much the same.
But it was the only option.
The only way to make it work, the only way for their kids to have two sets of grandparents, two families, two cultures and for Asfah a release from her burden.
It's pretty simple really.
It's just a shame that so many of our friends didn't see it that way too. I still have some deep-seated resentment towards some really close friends who never got it. Never quite understood why there was no answer. Why my wife couldn't just tell them the truth. Why they wouldn't accept me. Why I had to convert, to lie, to pretend just so her family could consider me as suitable.
Some friends did get it, Mike and Emete went through something similar too. They found a way, different from ours but not without it's pain or heartache.
But a lot of people didn't.
I never used to mind explaining to strangers about the situation, like why I had not met my in-laws after being involved for ten years. Most people were amazed and it was a new thing to them. What I minded was friends who would either ask the same questions with a shake of the head or bite their lip when I would offer up the same point.
It's not a perfect world.
It's not Hollywood.
But sometimes you get the happy ending.
Through compromising on my beliefs I allowed them an opportunity to compromise on their beliefs.
By converting I gave them a chance to accept me.
Last Saturday we had our Nikah, which is a Muslim wedding blessing, and right now I'm not sure if the relief I feel is from the wedding being over or that for the first time in twelve years we can actually start our life together properly.
I said to my wife last night that it feels like now I can really love her.
I am allowed to do that now and have no fear of losing her. Although I never feared I would I think I was scared of her having to make a choice. That was the last thing I ever wanted her to do. I don't think I could of done it if I had to.
Could you do it? Give up parent's you love for your partner?
What choice is that?
I wouldn't want to wish that on anyone.
So instead here we are.
Nearly 12 years down the line, it's all out in the open. All legal. Everyone's happy.
Especially my wife... although she flitters between being happy and freaked out right now! I'm sure it will settle down to just happy soon!
And she didn't have to choose.
Which is more important to me than anything else.
What do you know sometimes you do get the Hollywood ending.... Maybe it would make a good movie, eh?
As long as there is no sequel.
Ideas on a postcard for cast lists...
Ps. Shit. It doesn't explain the four weddings did I? Or what went on at the weekend either. Oh well, maybe tomorrow...x
posted by Darren at 12:38 AM
22 Comments:
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hi
Followed a link to this story from the Boudist blog.
I just wanted to say congratulations and best wishes for the future.
Myself, I'm not a believer I either faith or marriage but I would never diminish what other people think are important in their lives. I am so glad that you found a way to be with the woman you love. That is the most important thing.
And your story is a little glimmer of hope for the future when I sometimes despair at the racist politics we have to deal with in the UK at the moment.
Hi Sandra, thanks so much for that.
Sometimes it's good to know that things do work out, no matter what is put in your way.
My gosh, I almost sound positive...!
Congrats Darren & Sara!
:)
Ahhh! Daz....you've brought tears to my eyes. But then again I did burst into tears this morning, my first morning back at work, when I looked at the amount of work I had to do.
Cheers Amanda! It's really appreciated, I hope you are well too?
Ayesha, you are just a big ol' softie at heart aren't you?
I hope you got home okay on Saturday, it was really good to have you there. Although I know you got so much grief about your turn next! It was really good to have you there for support and to share the cringe-factor!
I am all emotional after reading that. Even though you had talked about it before I can only imagine how you are both feeling now. You both really deserve to be happy together. I don't know Sara that well but its pretty obvious you are meant for each other. Hopefully we will see you both again, in the not too distant future, to get the champagne out and have a good old natter.
Take care and glad to see you finally have a blog!
love
Max
x
yes thanks, am very well!
It was great to see Dan's photos of your wedding - Sara looked absolutely stunning (and you scrubbed up alright too).
gay
ok my last comment may have seemed crass considering what these two amazing people have been through over the last 12 years it was meant as a joke(see sean of the dead) looking at it now it feels that i've belittled their journey which was never my intension
sorry my little bro and little sis
with love
m
Hello Mate,
Still trying to get the hang of this blogger melarky and not realy sure what i'm doing or what its all about ,so no change there then eh!Anyway I just wanted to say that that was a fantastic beautiful story , you should write more, honestly mate i think you have a gift for it! Its far better than anything hollywood come up with, I've just been subjected to one of their offerings and some how it had a glitzy polished ending that some how just didn't ring true,real life is just not always like that.I think you and Sar deserve your happiness sooo much.You are both some of the nicest people I ever had the good fortune to meet and I learned so much from both of you.Anyway feel like I'm getting knawingly over sentimental now so will bugger off! Take care folks,al
Maxi! thanks so much for your comments, even though I am not a regular poster on twobluelines I am enjoying following your tales into mother hood!
Markie, don't worry about the comment!
I would of put it myself if you or dan and wrote such an indulgent blog entry!!
Al, welcome to the world of blogging I hope you appreciate your post and photo!
I agree with Mark. I think the whole thing was totally gay.
The women were dressed liked drag queens and the men were holding hands.
Puffs.
congratulations!
i don't know if this is any comfort, but if you think your situation is complicated, i've got one to top that. our situation is pretty similar except that my partner and i are both female, and even if i did convert to islam, we've got buckley's chance of getting her family's approval.
And then throw in a nasty ex-husband who wants to have her declared unfit as a mother of her kids on the basis of her sexuality for good measure...
It is complicated, but when it comes to someone you love that much, there is no question that you will do whatever you need to do.
yay for totally gay weddings!
Wow mate, thats complicated. I'm really happy that things worked out for you guys!
Even for an Indian guy who is Hindu, cross-faith relationships are considered major NO-NO. I used to be in Love with a muslim girl too... but it wasn't to be. The stress of hiding it all was too much.
But I'm so happy for you guys!
Hey Anonymous number one, I really feel your pain.
I can't imagine what you two must be going through. the only thing I can say is we never thought it would work out and it has. I know things are really against you and maybe it won't end up being the perfect solution but sometimes things come through. And maybe not even in the way you expect it. I guess the best thing is to stick together and be there for each other. At the end of the day, the most important thing is supporting each other through this.
I'll be thinking about you both!
Please feel free to drop me a line to let me know how you both are doing.
...and to Hindu Anon, thanks for that! It's amazing how our story is so similiar to other peoples, just change the race, or the religion, or the sex, or the colour... if it's not one thing it's the other. It's either prejudices or traditions. I think I have been really lucky to have had a supportive family on my side, I don't know how people cope with copping it from both families.
hey D - thanks so much for your concern. (this is "anonymous 1" by the way)
it is sticky, but we are working our way through it. my partner just told her mum that she and the kids are moving out (she and the kids currently share a house with her parents) hence lots of dramas at the moment.
i don't ever want her to have to choose between our relationship and her culture / religion because i can see how important they are to her - and how much she wants to pass them on to her kids. the trick is maintaining their connection to family, culture and traditions without getting too damaged on the way by the prejudices that come along with the package. i just hope we can figure out a way to negotiate between.
so far, the family has mostly turned a blind eye, and have welcomed me to family bbqs etc, but things are getting tricky now that her ex husband is angry and spreading rumours to shame the family...
and yet all of the complications pale into insignificance when we are together. it is corny, but i do feel like it comes down to love - and the strength and support it allows you to give one another.
good luck and best wishes!
Hi 'Anon 1'!
I'm glad to hear that things aren't as bleak as it first appeared. Maybe it's my new positive outlook on life or the fact I now think that miracles can happen but where there is a will there is a way seems to be my favourite bit of advice at the moment!
The fact that when you two are together it all feels right means that everything else will slip into place eventually.
It might be hard going along the way but I know it will work out.
I want to hear updates too so let me know how things are going?
x
Hi,
I followed the link from the Boudist blog too, and also wanted to say a massive congratulations and wish you all the luck in the world as you embark on this new chapter. It was a lovely story to read, refreshingly honest! When it comes to the friends that cannot understand, the only way forward is to try and forgive them, it is their misfortune that they cannot comprehend what it is to love someone so much more than you love yourself, that you would do everything (and anything) you could to ensure their happiness. Congratulations once again!
Hi Darren,
congratulations to the both of you...it must be such a relief, not having to live the nightmare anymore!
one q? tho, can you tell me how did Sara and you overcome the family, community, parents dilemma!
I am in a similar situation and have friends like yours. I feel like I have exhausted every avenue and wonder how do i need to tailor my life to suit others and myself!
thanks
B
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